Personal and Professional Development Series: Benefiting from the Wisdom of Others

Over the past few weeks, I have interviewed several women whom I admire. When I approached them about the interviews, several of them said, "Why me?"  They consider themselves ordinary. They have no idea, or little idea of the impact that they have on others, in their ordinary course of business, or by just being themselves. They are professional, but also personable and caring. They have a positive impact on their environment.
As I listened to their stories, I was amazed by their wisdom. Some of it was taught to them as they grew up- some of it was learned along the way.
A few themes ran through the conversations: Good advice is timeless, Hindsight is 20/20, and if you persevere, you might just succeed in spite of yourself. One more thing that became clear is that there are some things that we just don't understand until we are older.

Timeless Advice:
“Always chose friends who are better than you in knowledge, character and morals. Their influence will have a positive impact on your life.” (Hafsa Abdikeir, Program Support Specialist, George Mason University)This piece of advice is totally true! As a parent, I have told my kids “not to hang out with the wrong crowd,” but this takes that advice one step further and it’s not only for kids. We are often a representation of those closest to us. We learn to emulate those that that we spend the most time with- for good or bad. I have heard reports that we are the median of our inner circle and I think that’s true. If we give thought to our values and with whom we spend our time, then the impact will be positive. We will learn more and be more successful and in the end we will also be better people.
As I reflect on this now, I understand that we guide our children to keep them from harm (and to keep them out of trouble) and that is our job as parents. However, I can’t help but think that for all the negatives that we offer kids- “don’t do this or that”-we really ought to be offering the positive spin as well. It seems clear to me that instead of saying, “Don’t waste your money on that,” we should probably offer thought about spending money on things that have more value or quality. 

If we focus on teaching positive lessons to our kids, they won’t have to learn them later.

“Start out as you mean to go.” (Linda Lane Sheridan, Deputy Campus Coordinator, 4-VA, George Mason University)This is another piece of advice that has a positive spin.  Linda told me that one of her first bosses gave her that advice. This gem simplifies several other familiar sayings: “Don’t go off half-cocked,” “Put your best foot forward,” and “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” Professionally, it means, “be organized, positive and strategic. Don’t do things in a haphazard or careless manner.”
Jeff Toister, a national customer service and training expert, explains that first impressions have a lingering effect by creating confirmation bias. Toister explains, “Confirmation bias occurs when people have strongly held opinions. There’s a natural tendency to selectively filter new information, facts, and experiences based upon whether it confirms our opinion. We conveniently hang on to anything that supports our point of view while ignoring or dismissing any evidence to the contrary.”  On a professional level, a good first impression is critical. We all have off-days, but if it’s not the first impression, we are forgiven. Confirmation bias is hard to over-come once a negative first impression has occurred. 
From a relationship perspective, I think this means even more. The precedents we set with relationships- both personal and professional- are defined by the boundaries we set in the beginning. If we allow people to be rude, or to treat us badly, or to take advantage of us in the early stages of a relationship, then it is perceived that the behavior is deemed to be ok, or that we won’t do anything about it. It’s not to say that things can’t change afterwards, but as with most things… change is often met with resistance. It’s harder to change than it is to set the tone from the on-set.

Learning from the wisdom of others is better than learning the hard way. (way better)
As I continue this personal and professional development series, I am doing my best to learn from the wisdom of others. As much as I can learn and share- if I make anyone else’s life a little better or easier, then I have succeeded.
Wisdom is timeless. Knowledge is powerful. Learning the hard way is painful!

Personal and Professional Development Series: The Importance of Finding a Mentor!

In the past week, I have heard the term “mentor” about 200 times. That’s only a slight exaggeration. Ironically, in my career, I can only think of only one person that I would have considered a mentor. Maybe two.  It seems that I am not alone in my experience. While I was researching this topic, only a handful of my associates have had an influential mentor.

What is a Mentor? And Why Should You Have One?

 By definition, a mentor is a trusted friend or advisor. Based on that definition- why wouldn’t you want one?  By adding the word “professional” or “business” before mentor, and you have a trusted advisor helping you to navigate your career. Sweet! Sign me up!

Dr. Daniel R. Tobin wrote an article explaining the differences between a mentor and a coach. Tobin said that a mentor “acts as your counselor, providing advice on career paths, development opportunities, and an overview of what it takes to become a leader in the company.” A coach is more of a tutor.  

 Over time, your mentor will understand you, your wants, needs and desires for your career and will help you overcome any obstacles in your way- even when you are your own biggest obstacle.  That in and of itself can be a huge help, but ideally, your mentor will not only guide you, but also will be able to open doors for you.  That’s all great, but how do you find one?

Networking, Networking, Networking:

 According to Lisa Quast, author and Forbes contributor, you can think creatively when seeking a mentor. You can find mentors by networking and brainstorming among “business and women’s associations in your area, non-profit organizations, your college or university, within your family, church groups, even community groups such as business chambers of commerce.” If you follow a networking strategy, you will also learn more about the people you interact with.  You’ll find out they can help you and vice versa.

 I am not sure you always know exactly where your mentor will come from, but following the “Six Degrees of Separation” theory, you are probably only a degree or two separated from yours!  

Mentor Relationships

Not all mentor relationships are structured the same way. Some people have formal mentoring agreements – while others don’t.  Meetings can take place over lunch or coffee, or in a more formal setting.  Whichever you prefer, mentoring should be considered a long-term activity whether formal or not. With so many benefits and wisdom to gain from someone who has “been there and done that,” we should greet each new introduction as a chance to learn more.

If we embrace that philosophy, we will emerge from the process a little smarter and wiser, whether we have found the right mentor yet or not.

It’s been a long time since I have worked with someone who would be willing to be a mentor. While I finish school and look for next steps, I will continue to attend professional networking events and other events that will broaden my horizons.

 I do have a few thoughts about people who could be my potential mentors.

My criteria:

·         I like them as people.

·         I admire them professionally.

·         I can talk to them on a personal level (crucial for mentoring).

·         I believe in their counsel.

·         They would be willing to add me into their schedule every month/6-weeks.  (This is harder than you think!)

So for now- I am working on it. I WILL work on this mentorship thing! It’s a little tricky in some respects because I know that I limit what I share with people on a professional level. I don’t want to admit my insecurities, or even share my hopes and dreams with just anyone. Maybe that’s just yet another reason that I need to find a mentor… finding someone who can help you realize those dreams is invaluable.  

Perhaps it’s so important that I had to hear it 200 times.

Do have a mentorship story to share?  I’d love to hear from you!

Feel free to email me directly at nvalady@gmail.com .

Personal and Professional Development Advice Series

I am introducing a new series of posts which will be a combination of personal and professional development topics. I have held several interviews with professional women whom I respect and I want to share some of the practical wisdom that was shared with me. Anytime I can learn, without paying for the knowledge, or falling on my face to acquire it, I am in a better place than where I started.

About the series:

As I was contemplating my blog series, I wanted to find successful women that I could glean knowledge from...  and that was part of the goal, but not the full goal. While I did want to know their secrets of success, I also wanted to know if these women are happy. What makes them feel successful? Did they have a mentor? Did they have a straight or zig-zagged career path? What challenges did they face? How are they like me? How are they different?

I was privileged that some of my interview subjects shared not only their wisdom, but also some personal stories that shaped who they are. I learned that some of these women were lucky in that they had parents and/or mentors who shared wisdom- that they learned early on. Some women KNEW what they wanted to do with their life from the time they were little, but not all of them had a straight career path.

I’ve determined from my interviews that the earlier you discover what really makes you happy and develop confidence in yourself, the sooner will move closer to your dreams. After all, you can't make your dreams come true, if you don't know what you want to do! Also worth noting is that people who were taught with wisdom earlier, developed that confidence earlier and even if their career path wasn't a straight line, they struggled less in their decisions... and had smoother transitions.

One of the best pieces of advice that I heard, came from Shernita Rochelle Parker, an Employee Relations consultant at George Mason University, said the best advice she was ever given was to "not base decisions from a position of fear." I know I can think of several decisions throughout my 30's that were strictly based on fear. How different my life might have been if I had learned that lesson in my 20's or 30's!

Because we each have unique experiences, education and career paths, and different family dynamics... we acquire wisdom at different points. Some people are lucky or blessed to have had strong mentors (or other relationships) that taught them the best way to proceed from the beginning. The rest of us learn through trial and error or not at all.

I desperately wanted to be in the first group when I was younger. Maybe I can make it to the first group now... by learning and absorbing all that I can. All I know for certain is that I will not be in the last group!

Musical Revelations

Anyone who knows me well, knows how much I love music. It energizes me, cheers me, soothes me, de-stresses me and puts me to bed at night. I like most types of music... and have my favorites, even at church.

I was given a CD at church  about a while back and I like 2 of the songs really well. Over the past month, I found myself skimming through the CD just to get to these 2 songs specifically and wanting to share them with others. What's more interesting is that tonight, while driving home from work, I had an "Ah-Ha" moment.

I know exactly why they appeal to me... besides being good songs. It's my emotional connection to them.
It's NOT about the topic of the songs- though they are both sweet. They both reflect my thoughts and emotions about God.

"The Prodigal" is a musical version of the bible story, "The Prodigal Son." It is not one of my favorite stories. However, the message of the story is about "redemption" and "restoration." THOSE are the key emotional words that really triggered me to write this post.

We all sin. We all stray away from God. Being able to come back to God and be fully restored is a powerful thing. It's really an amazing thing, born of love and God's redeeming plan for each of us. My salvation was bought by Jesus and I can never be "good enough" to deserve it. If I dwell too deeply on that topic, I can come away feeling badly about myself- thinking of all the mistakes that I have made and the things I should have done better. The message of "The Prodigal," is not only a story of being ABLE to come back to God, but being WELCOMED back. It warms my heart in a way that only a moment of pure love can.

The other song that I like so much is called, "You Are My Child."  The song is about a father coming home after work to be met at the door with all the anxious and excited demands of little ones- "play with me, read me a book," etc. It makes me smile as I think of the Pastor and his brood of children. On one level, the song reflects the father's thoughts that he wants to enjoy his children while they are little. On the other level, it touches upon God's great love for us as his "children."

The lyrics say, "You are my child and I am really pleased with you."  It is an amazing thought that in spite of all that I know about myself, God could be pleased with me. That touches me in a place where soul is fragile. It's not my default position to know that God or others are pleased with me. Staying off the "naughty list" is more in keeping with my daily state of mind.

As a side note- I do hope that as a parent I remember to tell my children that I am pleased with them!

Thank you to Pastor Whitlow of Victory's Crossing Church for sharing his musical gift. A larger thanks to God for allowing me to feel the love through the music.

Lesson of the Day: How to Deal with Anger

I went to church last Sunday- late, but I made it. The topic was, "Anger" and the havoc it wreaks on our lives. When I first heard it, I was thinking, "I am not angry. I have had more than my fair share of dealing with angry people and in general, I am slow to anger." Then, in the last few minutes of the sermon, the Pastor slipped in my lesson of the day.

What was it?  During the sermon, he discussed the expressions of anger - exploding, imploding, sulking and pity parties. He moved on to talk about depression, which is closely related to anger. (I have often heard it defined as, "Anger turned inwards" and I have been there.)  Then, very sneakily, he added the one thing I needed to hear.

The gist was that people who are not kind to us, whether bosses, co-workers, or family may have labelled us,"forgetful, scatter-brained, stupid" or whatever. If we give in to anger as a response to their actions, we allow allow those labels to stick to us.

When we are angry, we replay the situation over and over in our minds. Maybe we are looking for a different outcome or maybe we want justification that our feelings aren't "over reacting". However, the longer that we hold on to the replay, the more time and energy it takes away from our "true self." If we allow this to go on, we have given up our power. This noise in our heads holds us back. We lose.

The only label that matters is the label that God has for us. That label is,"Not only good enough, but unconditionally loved." 

That was my take-away from church. We all have anger cross our paths. How we deal with it, is up to us. If we allow other people to define us, we are far from reaching our own potential.
Being told that you are not good enough, smart enough, etc is painful. Over time, we can start to believe it.

As someone less politically correct would say, "You need to knock  that sh*t off! Quit letting others define you."

You can hear the sermon in its entirety at http://victoryscrossing.com/sermons/handle-anger/
You may find it odd that this was my take-away.
You are welcome to let me know what yours is.

email: nvalady@gmail.com
twitter@nvalady1

The New Adventures of Old Tracy

As I was driving home this evening, I felt just like the tv show, "The New Adventures of Old Christine," inserting my name, of course. I was coming home from my undergrad "Writing for the Media" class, where I am one of  two adult students in a class of approx thirty students. I was very interested to learn more about my classmates and discovered that there are several talented aspiring writers.

So, in the face of "young talent" how does a middle aged woman relate? Relating is easy. The question is can I just appreciate them without feeling insecure?  I think so, at least for the context of my class.

It's interesting to think of the advantages of both ends of the age spectrum.

Pros of Being Older: 

• Hopefully, we are older and wiser and have learned lessons from challenges of life. 
• We have had more "hands on" job experiences. We've already established ourselves as responsible.
• Our children are older, our time commitments minimal. Though, I have to admit, the dog is a lot like a child. 

Pros of Being Younger: 

• When you are younger, you are fearless! You are less concerned with failure. 
• Willing to try things just for fun.
• Less concerned about "What's in it for me?" in the short term. For example- less worried about taking a lower paying job just to get your foot in the door. 

So what's next for the new adventure for Old Tracy? I am looking to gain some experience by writing this blog, some articles on divorced mom.com and now maybe a few marketing /technology pieces. It's intimidating since that's not what I do during the day. I may make my first money ( albeit nominal) for writing soon.  Keep your fingers crossed for me! Say a prayer! 

I could use a little divine blessing over my life! 

What challenges are you tackling now? @nvalady1

Quote of the Day: "Stop Dating Un-Dateable Guys"

Last night I had a mom and daughter date with my 18 year old daughter. This happens periodically when neither of us have plans. It was a nice, low-key evening, where we ran a few errands and had dinner together. Over our Chipotle bowls, we talked about her Valentine's Day plans and my non-plans!

I wrote an article last week for Divorcedmoms.com about beating the blues on Valentine's day. 10-ways-to-beat-the-vday-blues   I am not feeling pouty, but I am pretty certain that I don't have anything Valentine's related to look forward to. I told her that it is hard dating someone who is away more than he is home.  She promptly informed me that we weren't dating. I don't think THAT's true, but she has a point.

Then she told me that I need to stop dating men who are un-dateable! While it sounds a little harsh, there is some truth and wisdom in that. Her statement could cover a multitude reasons, but she was making a direct reference to my last boy friend. He was charming, successful, treated me well, but a perpetual bachelor and commitment-phobe.

So, leave it to me. Only I could find another guy that might be even harder to date. He's a pilot. Sexy, right? Anyway, it's hard to date someone or start a relationship with someone who is away a week or 2 at a time. My expectations aren't unrealistic, and I am not needy, but D-A-N-G.  I certainly know how how to pick them.

On the bright side, there won't be any rushing into anything. Things will have to take their very slow course, or not. That IS a good thing in my world. I am cautious and don't want to fall for BAD guys.   I have lots of thoughts about the WRONG guys, but it's so hard to find the RIGHT ones. http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/bad-boys-bad-boys-five-types-to-say-no-to I don't want to bring guys into my house, or into my life that won't be around for a long term.

Still, in spite of the caution, I am a romantic at heart. There's a part of me that would like to get flowers or feel special. Hoping everyone has a good valentine's day! Even if you avoid the crowds- wishing you a nice evening with wine, flowers and candles. Who needs to go out?


Tracy Shevlin
twitter: @nvalady1
gmail: nvalady@gmail