Lesson of the Day: How to Deal with Anger

I went to church last Sunday- late, but I made it. The topic was, "Anger" and the havoc it wreaks on our lives. When I first heard it, I was thinking, "I am not angry. I have had more than my fair share of dealing with angry people and in general, I am slow to anger." Then, in the last few minutes of the sermon, the Pastor slipped in my lesson of the day.

What was it?  During the sermon, he discussed the expressions of anger - exploding, imploding, sulking and pity parties. He moved on to talk about depression, which is closely related to anger. (I have often heard it defined as, "Anger turned inwards" and I have been there.)  Then, very sneakily, he added the one thing I needed to hear.

The gist was that people who are not kind to us, whether bosses, co-workers, or family may have labelled us,"forgetful, scatter-brained, stupid" or whatever. If we give in to anger as a response to their actions, we allow allow those labels to stick to us.

When we are angry, we replay the situation over and over in our minds. Maybe we are looking for a different outcome or maybe we want justification that our feelings aren't "over reacting". However, the longer that we hold on to the replay, the more time and energy it takes away from our "true self." If we allow this to go on, we have given up our power. This noise in our heads holds us back. We lose.

The only label that matters is the label that God has for us. That label is,"Not only good enough, but unconditionally loved." 

That was my take-away from church. We all have anger cross our paths. How we deal with it, is up to us. If we allow other people to define us, we are far from reaching our own potential.
Being told that you are not good enough, smart enough, etc is painful. Over time, we can start to believe it.

As someone less politically correct would say, "You need to knock  that sh*t off! Quit letting others define you."

You can hear the sermon in its entirety at http://victoryscrossing.com/sermons/handle-anger/
You may find it odd that this was my take-away.
You are welcome to let me know what yours is.

email: nvalady@gmail.com
twitter@nvalady1

7 Ways to Deal with a Toxic Personality

After chatting with a colleague, I was inspired to write about dealing with people who have "Toxic Personalities." You know who they are: they are people who are poisonous for you to be around either personally or professionally. They mentally exhaust you- even when your interaction with them is limited.

Toxic Personalities: 

1. Create Drama. Start a lot of their sentences with" Oh my God, did you hear about...?"
2. Talk about others in a negative way- making you wonder, do they talk about you? Probably.
3. Their best defense is a good offense! If you have a question or problem and they are involved, then clearly someone else is to blame. This is partly to re-direct your attention, but also to deflect your problem.
4. Are nice to people to their faces, but turn around and tell you how much they dislike him or her. 
5. Complain endlessly. Big complaints, small complaints. Complaining is their primary form of  communication.
6. Are Condescending and NOT empowering. 
7. It's all about them! They could be any combination of the following: self-centered, selfish, impersonal, negative, passive / aggressive, controlling, bad tempered.

How To Deal With Them: 

1. Don't count on them as a true friend or confidant.They may be very capable or in a position of  authority, but see item #2 above. You do not want your personal or professional problems to be fodder for their negative comments.
2. You can't change the other person! You can only change either how you deal with them or whether you HAVE to deal with them. Life is too short to spend major amounts of time with people who are toxic to you. Toxins are called that for a reason!
3. Don't let their negativity define you! This is very difficult to conquer if the person is someone with whom you must spend a lot of time. For example, if this is just an occasional associate, minimize the amount of time that you need to spend with them. However, if they are a family member or someone with whom you are spending 40 hours a week, you may need to change your environment. Find ways to minimize your interactions with them. Utilizing the  "buddy system" might be helpful. It may not make the offending party behave, but you will feel better! Misery loves company. Silly, but true!  Also, it's very important to put positive messages in your daily routine. Whether you listen to motivational speakers, read articles or daily devotionals, take a few moments every day for positive thoughts.
4. Use your support system to help keep your sanity! So many times, we think we are imagining the situation or that maybe it isn't as bad as we think it is. It's hard to be sure when your emotions are involved. Use your friends to talk it out. Making a sitcom of the situation (in your mind) and sharing a laugh will help you keep your sense of humor.
5. Remember, "You know what you know!" Don't second guess yourself. You know when people are behaving badly and /or treating you or others poorly.
6. There's an old saying, "Leopards don't change their spots." Don't expect it to get better just because the behavior hasn't happened in a while. People don't change without making a conscious effort to do so. Don't be lulled into complacency by thinking things have changed.
7. Protect yourself. Do not let people put your health or well-being at risk.  Look out for yourself. Others can't do it for you. If this is a professional issue, take necessary steps to communicate your needs as effectively as possible. Protect your credibility.

Additional thoughts:

We do not get to choose our family members, work associates and bosses. We all have them whether they are supportive, dysfunctional or toxic. Some associations can be minimized. Some can be let go.

There are no "hard and fast rules" for relationships. Don't feel that you have to change who you are in order to deal with a difficult person or family member.

Lastly, life is short. You need to thrive to be happy and toxic people by their nature will not encourage that. It's up to you to work towards that end. Dark, bleak times happen to everyone. They don't last forever. Keep your head up and keep the positive dreams, thoughts and vision for your future.