Personal and Professional Development: Things We Should Learn at Any Age

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Much like the old saying that "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink," you can give advice to young people but you can't make them listen!
 
As I was interviewing people for this series, one of the questions I asked, was "looking back, what advice do you wish someone would have told you?" From a few, I got some very specific answers. From others, they echoed versions of a shared thought- "some things you just don't understand when you are young...even if someone would have told you."
I want to share the answers to the "Things that I wish I would have known..." from those that had specific thoughts. These are some lessons that people learned the hard way.

"Things that I wish I would have known..."

·     The evils of using credit cards. (How much credit card debt do you have? Banks routinely increase your limits as you pay your bills, but if you use that credit, your monthly payments can become substantial. Then, all of your disposable income is taken up by paying off past debts.)
·     It’s never a good idea to date someone at work. (Yes- some people learn this the hard way! It doesn't have a good outcome if you don't stay together... and even if you do, all relationships have their disagreements. Work is not the place you want to air your disagreements.)
·     It's not the best idea to marry young. (For many reasons marrying young is not a great idea. You are still learning so many things like who you are as an individual, how to succeed at work, learning financial responsibility. When you add marriage into the mix you are still learning in every major area of your life and at the same time learning how to be a good spouse.)
·     Finish your education while you are young- even if it means getting into debt. (It’s smart to finish your undergrad or graduate degrees before life decisions or events  de-rail you -that could mean marriage, working full time, having children, or moving as a result of one of the above. Also, the sooner you complete your degree, the sooner you will make more money. According to a May 5, 2014 post by Time.com , “college graduates, on average, earned $830,800 more than the high school graduates over the course of their working lives.”
·     Be consistent in your work product. (This sounds as though it should be self-explanatory, but consistency is key when building trust – even at work, and remember those first impressions?)
·     Allow other people not to like you. Don’t waste time looking for justifications of why someone doesn’t like you, or seeking ways to try to make them like you. Some relationships are not meant to be. Accept those who like you for they bring positive energy around you. Leave those who do not like you, for they steal your positive energy.
      
Things young people can't understand...
 
When we are younger, most of us don’t believe everything our parents tell us. (or is that anything our parents tell us?) If we are lucky, there are other adults that we’ll listen to- perhaps family members, friends or teachers. It’s interesting that we don’t listen to our parents more as we grow up… but we are too busy trying to prove ourselves. However, sometimes you can tell young adults something 100 different ways, and they still don’t get it.
Do you remember your parents saying, “life is hard?” What I thought was- they are just telling me to “suck it up” and maybe they were. What I didn’t understand is that Life is Really Hard. It’s complicated, messy and sometimes difficult.
Money- Remember your parents saying, “Money doesn’t grow on trees?” Of course it doesn’t!  But when did you really learn to manage your money? 
Being 18 or 22 may make you an adult, but it does not make you know everything!  Nor does it make you invincible! Somehow we don’t know what we don’t know or learn caution until we are older.
You can be ANYTHING you want, but you can’t be EVERYTHING. For every decision and move you make in one direction (even towards a goal), you are taken farther from something else. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but by recognizing that you probably can’t both be a professional hockey player and a ballerina… you should focus your time and energy where your talents and passions lie.
Life is short.  It doesn’t seem so in the midst of turmoil, but it is. Use each day to the fullest- we are not guaranteed a certain amount of time in life. Work hard. Have goals and dreams and don’t forget to make time for fun. It sounds cliché, but it’s true.
 
If you aren’t familiar with a story about a professor, a philosophy class, a mayonnaise jar, golf balls and sand, you should check out this viral social media post.

Personal and Professional Development Series: Benefiting from the Wisdom of Others

Over the past few weeks, I have interviewed several women whom I admire. When I approached them about the interviews, several of them said, "Why me?"  They consider themselves ordinary. They have no idea, or little idea of the impact that they have on others, in their ordinary course of business, or by just being themselves. They are professional, but also personable and caring. They have a positive impact on their environment.
As I listened to their stories, I was amazed by their wisdom. Some of it was taught to them as they grew up- some of it was learned along the way.
A few themes ran through the conversations: Good advice is timeless, Hindsight is 20/20, and if you persevere, you might just succeed in spite of yourself. One more thing that became clear is that there are some things that we just don't understand until we are older.

Timeless Advice:
“Always chose friends who are better than you in knowledge, character and morals. Their influence will have a positive impact on your life.” (Hafsa Abdikeir, Program Support Specialist, George Mason University)This piece of advice is totally true! As a parent, I have told my kids “not to hang out with the wrong crowd,” but this takes that advice one step further and it’s not only for kids. We are often a representation of those closest to us. We learn to emulate those that that we spend the most time with- for good or bad. I have heard reports that we are the median of our inner circle and I think that’s true. If we give thought to our values and with whom we spend our time, then the impact will be positive. We will learn more and be more successful and in the end we will also be better people.
As I reflect on this now, I understand that we guide our children to keep them from harm (and to keep them out of trouble) and that is our job as parents. However, I can’t help but think that for all the negatives that we offer kids- “don’t do this or that”-we really ought to be offering the positive spin as well. It seems clear to me that instead of saying, “Don’t waste your money on that,” we should probably offer thought about spending money on things that have more value or quality. 

If we focus on teaching positive lessons to our kids, they won’t have to learn them later.

“Start out as you mean to go.” (Linda Lane Sheridan, Deputy Campus Coordinator, 4-VA, George Mason University)This is another piece of advice that has a positive spin.  Linda told me that one of her first bosses gave her that advice. This gem simplifies several other familiar sayings: “Don’t go off half-cocked,” “Put your best foot forward,” and “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” Professionally, it means, “be organized, positive and strategic. Don’t do things in a haphazard or careless manner.”
Jeff Toister, a national customer service and training expert, explains that first impressions have a lingering effect by creating confirmation bias. Toister explains, “Confirmation bias occurs when people have strongly held opinions. There’s a natural tendency to selectively filter new information, facts, and experiences based upon whether it confirms our opinion. We conveniently hang on to anything that supports our point of view while ignoring or dismissing any evidence to the contrary.”  On a professional level, a good first impression is critical. We all have off-days, but if it’s not the first impression, we are forgiven. Confirmation bias is hard to over-come once a negative first impression has occurred. 
From a relationship perspective, I think this means even more. The precedents we set with relationships- both personal and professional- are defined by the boundaries we set in the beginning. If we allow people to be rude, or to treat us badly, or to take advantage of us in the early stages of a relationship, then it is perceived that the behavior is deemed to be ok, or that we won’t do anything about it. It’s not to say that things can’t change afterwards, but as with most things… change is often met with resistance. It’s harder to change than it is to set the tone from the on-set.

Learning from the wisdom of others is better than learning the hard way. (way better)
As I continue this personal and professional development series, I am doing my best to learn from the wisdom of others. As much as I can learn and share- if I make anyone else’s life a little better or easier, then I have succeeded.
Wisdom is timeless. Knowledge is powerful. Learning the hard way is painful!

7 Ways to Deal with a Toxic Personality

After chatting with a colleague, I was inspired to write about dealing with people who have "Toxic Personalities." You know who they are: they are people who are poisonous for you to be around either personally or professionally. They mentally exhaust you- even when your interaction with them is limited.

Toxic Personalities: 

1. Create Drama. Start a lot of their sentences with" Oh my God, did you hear about...?"
2. Talk about others in a negative way- making you wonder, do they talk about you? Probably.
3. Their best defense is a good offense! If you have a question or problem and they are involved, then clearly someone else is to blame. This is partly to re-direct your attention, but also to deflect your problem.
4. Are nice to people to their faces, but turn around and tell you how much they dislike him or her. 
5. Complain endlessly. Big complaints, small complaints. Complaining is their primary form of  communication.
6. Are Condescending and NOT empowering. 
7. It's all about them! They could be any combination of the following: self-centered, selfish, impersonal, negative, passive / aggressive, controlling, bad tempered.

How To Deal With Them: 

1. Don't count on them as a true friend or confidant.They may be very capable or in a position of  authority, but see item #2 above. You do not want your personal or professional problems to be fodder for their negative comments.
2. You can't change the other person! You can only change either how you deal with them or whether you HAVE to deal with them. Life is too short to spend major amounts of time with people who are toxic to you. Toxins are called that for a reason!
3. Don't let their negativity define you! This is very difficult to conquer if the person is someone with whom you must spend a lot of time. For example, if this is just an occasional associate, minimize the amount of time that you need to spend with them. However, if they are a family member or someone with whom you are spending 40 hours a week, you may need to change your environment. Find ways to minimize your interactions with them. Utilizing the  "buddy system" might be helpful. It may not make the offending party behave, but you will feel better! Misery loves company. Silly, but true!  Also, it's very important to put positive messages in your daily routine. Whether you listen to motivational speakers, read articles or daily devotionals, take a few moments every day for positive thoughts.
4. Use your support system to help keep your sanity! So many times, we think we are imagining the situation or that maybe it isn't as bad as we think it is. It's hard to be sure when your emotions are involved. Use your friends to talk it out. Making a sitcom of the situation (in your mind) and sharing a laugh will help you keep your sense of humor.
5. Remember, "You know what you know!" Don't second guess yourself. You know when people are behaving badly and /or treating you or others poorly.
6. There's an old saying, "Leopards don't change their spots." Don't expect it to get better just because the behavior hasn't happened in a while. People don't change without making a conscious effort to do so. Don't be lulled into complacency by thinking things have changed.
7. Protect yourself. Do not let people put your health or well-being at risk.  Look out for yourself. Others can't do it for you. If this is a professional issue, take necessary steps to communicate your needs as effectively as possible. Protect your credibility.

Additional thoughts:

We do not get to choose our family members, work associates and bosses. We all have them whether they are supportive, dysfunctional or toxic. Some associations can be minimized. Some can be let go.

There are no "hard and fast rules" for relationships. Don't feel that you have to change who you are in order to deal with a difficult person or family member.

Lastly, life is short. You need to thrive to be happy and toxic people by their nature will not encourage that. It's up to you to work towards that end. Dark, bleak times happen to everyone. They don't last forever. Keep your head up and keep the positive dreams, thoughts and vision for your future.