After chatting with a colleague, I was inspired to write about dealing with people who have "Toxic Personalities." You know who they are: they are people who are poisonous for you to be around either personally or professionally. They mentally exhaust you- even when your interaction with them is limited.
Toxic Personalities:
- Create Drama. Start a lot of their sentences with" Oh my God, did you hear about...?"
- Talk about others in a negative way- making you wonder, do they talk about you? Probably.
- Their best defense is a good offense! If you have a question or problem and they are involved, then clearly someone else is to blame. This is partly to re-direct your attention, but also to deflect your problem.
- Are nice to people to their faces, but turn around and tell you how much they dislike him or her.
- Complain endlessly. Big complaints, small complaints. Complaining is their primary form of communication.
- Are Condescending and NOT empowering.
- It's all about them! They could be any combination of the following: self-centered, selfish, impersonal, negative, passive / aggressive, controlling, bad tempered.
How To Deal With Them:
- Don't count on them as a true friend or confidant.They may be very capable or in a position of authority, but see item #2 above. You do not want your personal or professional problems to be fodder for their negative comments.
- You can't change the other person! You can only change either how you deal with them or whether you HAVE to deal with them. Life is too short to spend major amounts of time with people who are toxic to you. Toxins are called that for a reason!
- Don't let their negativity define you! This is very difficult to conquer if the person is someone with whom you must spend a lot of time. For example, if this is just an occasional associate, minimize the amount of time that you need to spend with them. However, if they are a family member or someone with whom you are spending 40 hours a week, you may need to change your environment. Find ways to minimize your interactions with them. Utilizing the "buddy system" might be helpful. It may not make the offending party behave, but you will feel better! Misery loves company. Silly, but true! Also, it's very important to put positive messages in your daily routine. Whether you listen to motivational speakers, read articles or daily devotionals, take a few moments every day for positive thoughts.
- Use your support system to help keep your sanity! So many times, we think we are imagining the situation or that maybe it isn't as bad as we think it is. It's hard to be sure when your emotions are involved. Use your friends to talk it out. Making a sitcom of the situation (in your mind) and sharing a laugh will help you keep your sense of humor.
- Remember, "You know what you know!" Don't second guess yourself. You know when people are behaving badly and /or treating you or others poorly.
- There's an old saying, "Leopards don't change their spots." Don't expect it to get better just because the behavior hasn't happened in a while. People don't change without making a conscious effort to do so. Don't be lulled into complacency by thinking things have changed.
- Protect yourself. Do not let people put your health or well-being at risk. Look out for yourself. Others can't do it for you. If this is a professional issue, take necessary steps to communicate your needs as effectively as possible. Protect your credibility.
Additional thoughts:
We do not get to choose our family members, work associates and bosses. We all have them whether they are supportive, dysfunctional or toxic. Some associations can be minimized. Some can be let go.
Lastly, life is short. You need to thrive to be happy and toxic people by their nature will not encourage that. It's up to you to work towards that end. Dark, bleak times happen to everyone. They don't last forever. Keep your head up and keep the positive dreams, thoughts and vision for your future.
